Unsuitable Suitors
by RedEyedWarrior
Summary: Noah's parents want grandchildren (or maybe they want money) so they sign him up for a reality show where Noah is presented with suitors that comprise every single suitor from the show. Needless to say, Noah will find all of them to be repulsing, but who will be the best match... or at least the least repulsing.
1. Prologue

**I've noticed that Noah has been paired up with a lot of other characters, so I figured, why not write this? I hope you guys enjoy it.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own **_**Total Drama**_**. If I did, I'm pretty sure the show would not be appropriate for its target audience. No profit is being made from writing this fic.**

**DISCLAIMER 2.0: This story is not the same as **_**Life, Why Do You Hate Me So?**_** by Implying Implications. That story only involves some of the most popular Noah pairings, and Noah being stalked. This story, however, involves Noah dating the ENTIRE CAST, and doing it for money rather than being a victim of the circumstances. By the way, you should try out Implying Implications' story. It's hilarious and epic.**

**On with the chaos.**

* * *

"Noah. Noah!"

Noah rolled his eyes and put his book down. He left his room, went downstairs and entered the kitchen, from where his mam and dad were calling him.

"Yes?" Noah asked.

"Sit down, we want to have a talk with you," said Noah's dad, patting the chair next to his. Noah rolled his eyes and sat at the chair.

"Noah, I think it's time for us to become grandparents," Noah's mam told him.

Noah snorted. "Let me guess... Sid banged another chick again but the condom broke," he mused.

"We **hope** the condom didn't break," Noah's dad glared, "but this isn't about Sid. We want to have grandchildren, and we've figured you are our only hope."

"Only hope?!" Noah snorted. "I have four brothers and four sisters, all of them older than me! Why can't they give you grandchildren?!" he demanded.

"Because they're irresponsible fucking eejits," Noah's dad replied. "Now I love them to bits, but I could never trust them with a child. You're the only one smart enough to be trusted with a child for nineteen years."

"You seem to be forgetting that I don't care about anybody but myself, right," Noah deadpanned.

"Exactly," said Noah's mam. "That's why you should get married and have children. You'll love those children more than you love yourself."

"Oh, and if you marry a man, make sure your sperm is used to conceive your first child," Noah's dad added.

"Look, I'm twenty years old, I'm too young to be thinking about these things," Noah insisted.

"Look, you can postpone having kids until you've graduated from university and found yourself a full time job," said Noah's mam. "There's no harm in finding your future spouse now."

"If I do that, will you two quit pestering me about grandchildren and all this shit?" Noah groaned. His parents shrugged and nodded in unison.

"Good," said Noah. "And one more thing. What's with the camera crew?!" he demanded, pointing at cameras and cameramen.

"Uh… we need… the money, son, heh-heh," Noah's dad replied, sheepishly.

Noah glared daggers at his parents. "Oh I get it, you want me to participate in another dumb reality show just so we could make money, is that right?!"

Noah's dad sighed in guilt. "Look, I know you're angry, but we do need the money," he told Noah. "We are falling behind in our mortgages and if we don't pay them back by the end of this year, we could lose the house."

"So money is more important than your son's love life?" Noah rolled his eyes.

"Well no offence, Noah, but I highly doubt you could find yourself a suitable mate," Noah's mother sighed.

"Excuse me?" Noah glared.

"You are very rude and cold," Noah's mother admitted. "You are not going to find a partner if you keep acting like this. Besides, if we can't afford to keep our house, then how can we afford to keep you in university?"

Noah glared at his mother, but he knew she was right. He loves his course more than he loves himself. He would rather get set on fire than lose his course. Plus, Noah would never admit it, but he does love his parents and he would hate to think that they might get thrown out of the house. In fact, Noah doesn't want to get thrown out either, and he does in fact love his house. Sure, Noah could get a part time job, especially now that summer was only a few weeks away. He could use the money to ease his parents' debts. Unfortunately, even if he worked full time until Christmas, he still wouldn't be able to afford to pay off the debts. The only reason people Noah's age get part time jobs, in Noah's opinion, is to have work experience and make enough money for their own pleasures, such as going to nightclubs and topping up their phones. In fact, what does Noah really have to lose if he signed up? Sure, he'd have millions of people from around the world fighting over who Noah should be with and all that crap, but why should Noah care? He never listens to the opinions of anyone who has an IQ below seventy anyway. As for love well, it is true that Noah doesn't care about other people who are not related to him. He is pansexual, but he only uses his sexual urges to jerk off to internet pornography and books that he bought from the local dirty bookstore.

"Will I have to marry one of the suitors on the show?" Noah asked.

Noah's parents looked at one another. "Well, you could always get a divorce," Noah's dad assured him.

"I'm not paying any alimony," said Noah.

"Then pretend to marry the least-annoying suitor," Noah's mother suggested. "Have a fake wedding, and when the show ends, both of ye can go back to your normal lives. A few years later, you can just tell the word you two have been divorced. If your marriage has to be valid for the rest of the show's run, then get an annulment afterwards."

Noah sighed. "What do I have to sign?" he asked. Noah's dad handed him a contract. Noah read through it. To his surprise, the terms and conditions were not that bad. All Noah had to do was be himself on camera and put up with whatever fame-hungry moron has to end up on TV with him. In fact, the contract was only valid for three months after he 'established' a relationship with one of the suitors. Best of all, Noah can end the relationship as soon as the contract expires.

"Who has a pen?" Noah asked. His parents' faces lit up.

"Noah, you have no idea how happy you've made us," Noah's dad told him.

"We're proud of you," said Noah's mam.

"Whatever," Noah deadpanned, signing the contract.

* * *

**So here's how it's gonna be done. Noah takes a character out on a date each chapter, and only for this chapter. That character may or may not move on after the date. Some will stalk Noah, while others will try to kill him or otherwise knowingly make his life a living Hell for being an asshole to him during the date. After all, some of the suitors will be psychopaths. And no, I will not accept or use OCs. All of the suitors will be other characters from the show.  
**

**Don't forget to try out Implying Implications' fic if you haven't. Who knows? You might love it.**

**Until next time!**


	2. Ezekiel

**I'm pleasantly surprised how well readers are taking this. Oh, and thank you SarcasticDevotee (formerly known as Implying Implications) for recommending this fic in your story.**

**DISCLAIMER: Only an idiot would think that I own **_**Total Drama**_**. In fact, I was only twelve years old when the show first came out in 2007. OBVIOUSLY I don't own it.**

* * *

Noah was beginning to regret signing that contract. Sure, it was for a good cause, but Noah would have rather ended up living on the streets injecting himself with heroin like in _Trainspotting_ than go anywhere near any of the people he met on _Total Drama_.

Speaking of which, all of his suitors comprised the whole cast from Total Drama. They all stood there, in Noah's cramped kitchen, staring at the camera.

"Okay, seriously?!" Noah rolled his eyes "I thought some of you were already in a relationship!"

"People break up, Noah," Chris told Noah.

"Besides, you are the third-hottest guy on the whole show!" Katie squealed.

"I know, right?!" Sadie agreed.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Katie and Sadie squealed in unison.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, mah peeps at home!" Anne Maria called out to the camera.

Noah rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Let's just get this over with."

"So which one of us are you gonna pick?" Bridgette asked.

"Pick me ninth! Pick me ninth!" Trent shouted.

"Pick me first!" Courtney ordered. "I am a CIT!"

"Fine," Noah rolled his eyes, "I'll pick…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…Ezekiel!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY, eh?!" Ezekiel cheered.

"WHAT?!" screamed Courtney. "YOU PICKED HOMESCHOOL OVER ME?!"

"No, I picked him over **all** of you," Noah mused. "Besides, I figured that since Zeke has been voted out first every season, I might as well date him first."

"So where are we goin' eh?" Ezekiel enquired.

Noah withdraw a card from his pocket that the director gave him. Apparently, all of the dates had been arranged.

"We're going to a fancy restaurant," Noah told him.

"Wahoo, we're goin' to McDonalds, eh!" Zeke cheered.

"Yeah, McDonalds," Noah sneered.

"You'd better pick me second, Noah!" Courtney threatened. "I am a CIT!" Noah ignored the CIT as he dragged Ezekiel out to the limo and they hopped in. The drive to the restaurant was a living Hell for Noah. The home-school kept pressing buttons that opened and closed the windows, turned on and off the internal lights and prompt the limousine to perform backflips. The last one scared the crap out of Noah, the camera crew and the chauffeur every time that happened. Furthermore, Zeke refused to wear his seatbelt and he wouldn't stop asking for chocolate milk.

* * *

Eventually, they arrived at the restaurant and Noah and Ezekiel were lead in, followed by the camera crew.

"This ain't McDonalds, eh!" Ezekiel moaned.

"Well tough," Noah scoffed. "Now behave yourself. This is a nice place."

"This ain't a nice place," Zeke whined. "This is fancy-shmancy, eh!" Noah ignored him and the two were lead to their table. When they were given their menus, the first thing Ezekiel asked for was chocolate milk. Few minutes later, the waiter returned to take the couple's orders. Noah ordered smoked salmon for starters and well done sirloin steak for main course. Ezekiel ordered garlic bread for starters and sausages and chips for main course. This embarrassed Noah greatly, but surprisingly, the restaurant actually had what Ezekiel ordered despite not having a kids' menu. When the food came, Ezekiel refused to cut up the sausages so Noah had to do it for him. The prairie kid also slurped his chocolate milk, asked for more chips because he put pepper instead of salt on them and blew his nose on the table cloth.

Normally, Noah had dessert whenever he went to a restaurant, but he was desperate to get out of there as soon as possible because Ezekiel embarrassed the bookworm in front of thirty-something sophisticated people. However, Noah gave in and had dessert because Zeke held a tantrum under the table. An embarrassed Noah ordered a slice of fudge cake while Ezekiel asked for ice-cream. Ezekiel was disappointed with his dessert because he didn't want any whipped cream or sauce. Plus, it bothered him that the strawberry ice-cream was touching off the chocolate ice-cream.

In addition to the prairie kid's poor table manners, Noah had to take Ezekiel to the toilet every ten minutes. Ezekiel wouldn't go alone because there were no windows in the jacks and he was scared that there would be a power cut (Ezekiel was afraid of the dark). Ezekiel made Noah hold the door open just in case, allowing women who were walking by to look into the men's toilets. Ezekiel initially refused to flush the toilet and wash his hands, but did so when Noah threatened to turn off the lights and close the door. After washing his hands, Ezekiel turned on the hand-dryer. However, it turned out that Ezekiel was scared of loud noises and he was screaming and crying the whole time the hand-dryer was on. This annoyed Noah even more than Zeke's refusal to wash his hands, especially when Zeke could have used the towel rack instead. Finally, on the way out of the toilets, Ezekiel wanted to go into the women's toilets "just to see what they looked like". So Noah had to drag Ezekiel back to the table. Not only is it illegal for Ezekiel to be in the ladies' toilets but Noah also had his suspicions about the prairie kid's motives to want to go in there.

Noah was glad to leave the restaurant because Ezekiel was a troublemaker. After they've had their desserts, Ezekiel wanted to play so he ran around the table, causing everyone else at the restaurant to stare and Noah to hide his face in his hands until the waiter came with the bill. This was only the first date Noah had been on, and he was already convinced that this was the worst date ever.

Unfortunately, he was wrong. If it was any consolation, at least he got Ezekiel's date out of the way.

* * *

**Poor Noah. No more Ezekiel for him.**

**As you can see, all of the characters in this are pansexual (well, almost all of them). This chapter was so much fun to write and I also have the next chapter planned. I'm also excited for Chapter Nine. Can you guess why?  
**

**Until next time!**


	3. Tyler

**Here's another chapter for **_**Unsuitable Suitors**_**. So many of you guys thought that Noah's date with Ezekiel was bad enough. I couldn't agree more. Noah would might as well take his five-year-old cousins to McDonalds.**

**However, this date would make Noah want to take back everything he said about Ezekiel because, let's face it, every parent has taken a misbehaving child to a restaurant.**

* * *

The date with Ezekiel was definitely horrible, but it caused the ratings of the show to rocket. It proved so popular, over a million Noah/Ezekiel fan fics were submitted onto Fan Fiction Net, AO3 and DeviantArt. This did not bother Noah however, because he never bothers to go on those sites. The day after his date – or should I say catastrophe? – with Ezekiel, Noah was back at his house. All of the suitors plus Ezekiel, Noah's parents and the camera crew (of course) were in the back garden watching Noah as he decides who to pick for the second date.

"The person I will date second will be...

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…Tyler!"

Courtney was livid. "AGAIN! YOU PICKED ANOTHER PERSON OVER ME?!" she shrieked.

"Yep," Noah replied. "Besides, I doubt you'd be the type of person to want to go to a soccer match now would ya?"

Courtney fumed. "I'd better be picked third," she hissed.

"WAHOOOOOOO!" Tyler whooped. "PLACE AT THE TABLE!" He makes a dive into Noah's arms.

…only to miss, slam into the shed and fall into a bed of nettles. Noah face palmed, but he knew he had to get this over with. **Surely**, his date with Tyler wouldn't be anywhere as bad as his date with Ezekiel, right?

* * *

Wrong. When they got in the limo, Tyler wouldn't stop whooping about going to a soccer match with Noah. Noah rolled his eyes and said:

"Whoopee. I know you should never talk about previous relationships on a first date, but I just have to ask. What happened to you the all the couples from the show? Why is everyone interested in me all of a sudden?"

Tyler shrugged. "I dunno. All Bridgette and Geoff do is shag, so they probably got tired of it. Chris keeps telling Lindsay that he's me, and she believes him." Tyler paused to stifle a tear. "I don't know about the others, but Gwen and Duncan are still together."

"They broke up in _All Stars_, remember?" Noah deadpanned. "Well, I do know that Duncan still couldn't keep his dick in his pants, to Courtney broke up with him again. Let's hope she's learned her lesson this time."

"Does that mean Gwen and Duncan are back together?!" Tyler asked. "They're my OTP!"

"Gwen's obviously never gonna take Duncan back for being an asshole," Noah rolled his eyes. "Besides, why do you like that pairing? Didn't you freak out when you caught them kissing back on the plane?"

"Oh…" Tyler sighed. Then he brightened up. "Oh well, we've going to the match, so it's gonna be awesome, TO THE EXTREME!" The talentless jock opened the door and jumped out.

"WAIT, THE LIMO'S STILL IN MOTION-" Noah called after him. But it's too late. The limo slowed down. A flattened Tyler covered in tyre marks climbed back in.

"I'm okay," said Tyler.

Noah rolled his eyes again. "On the way back we're switching on the child locks," he muttered.

* * *

They arrived the stadium eventually. By the time Noah, Tyler and the camera crew showed up, the match had already begun five minutes ago (the delay was caused by Tyler jumping onto the road). Nevertheless, the staff accepted their tickets and led them to their reserved seats. While the match was taking place, Tyler could not sit still on his seat. Every time the fans were standing, Tyler insisted on sitting on Noah's shoulders. Because Noah could hardly balance the jock on his shoulders, the person next to Tyler had to hoist the talentless jock on his shoulders. Tyler also ripped off his shirt and squirted a smiley face on his belly, or at least he tried.

The reality is, Tyler got mustard everywhere within a five metre radius. Only his belly did not get covered in mustard. Fortunately, halftime was only a minute or two away when that happened, so everyone got to wash the mustard off before it stained their clothes and hair. However, this meant that halftime was an hour long rather than the preferred fifteen minutes. Everyone glared at Noah and Tyler as they returned to their seats, but Tyler took no notice of it.

Twenty minutes later, Tyler ran out into the field, causing many soccer players to trip, several soccer players to get injured, one soccer player to get trampled to death and the team Tyler and Noah were opposing to gain a few more goals because all of the victims happened to be on the team Noah and Tyler were supporting. As Tyler was being dragged back to his seat, the manager of the stadium warned Noah and Tyler that legal action would be brought against them if Tyler caused trouble again. Noah rolled his eyes, so using a rope he tied Tyler to the chair. Only then did Tyler sit quietly.

The rest of the match went quiet. Until…

"C'MON! PUT MORE EFFORT INTO YOUR GAME! YOU'RE NOTHIN' BUT A PUNCH O' FAGS AND STRAIGHT-FAGS!"

The whole stadium fell silent. Everyone including the soccer players were staring at Tyler.

"Did this guy just utter a homophobic slur and a heterophobic slur?!" one soccer player demanded.

"He did! This guy is a homophobe and a heterophobe!" another soccer player replied.

"Let's kill him! And the asshole he's with as well!" another soccer player growled.

And so everyone in the audience except Noah and Tyler – obviously – grabbed a pitchfork and a torch and a few other angry mob supplies. They chased Tyler and Noah around the city for about an hour until they finally caught up the couple and they beat the shit out of them. Noah and Tyler would've been thrown in jail had it not been for the angry mob, so they were grateful for the bruises they've sustained. Well, Noah was anyway. Tyler was indifferent to them because he's… well, Tyler.

Of course, Noah still would've preferred not to have been attacked by an angry mob. He also would've preferred to take someone else to the stadium, but it was too late for that now. Noah vowed to never take Tyler anywhere again.

* * *

**So which date did you think was more catastrophic? The one with Tyler or the one with Ezekiel. One thing for certain, not every parent has taken a misbehaving child to a sports venue.**

**Next chapter I'm going to pick a girl for Noah. It's not gonna be Lindsay. That would be too obvious. And I'm saving Eva, Dawn and Izzy for later. I plan to update this story tomorrow, along with **_**Surrogate Son**_**.**

**Until next time!**


	4. Dawn

**Apparently, Tyler was thought to be worse than Zeke when it comes to dating. I have to say, I couldn't agree more with you guys. I'd rather be minding my date than getting chased by an angry mob.**

**Anyway, this is the first chapter where Noah dates a girl. Many of you guys wanted Staci or Bridgette, but someone else came to mind. I'll use Bridgette and Staci in later chapters.**

* * *

The next day, Noah miraculously recovered from his injuries and he was now selecting his next date. At the same time he was ignoring Tyler and Ezekiel, who were fighting over Noah.

"BACK OFF HOMESCHOOL, YOU HAD YER CHANCE WITH NOAH AND CHA BLEW IT!" Tyler shouted at Ezekiel. "HE'S MINE NOW!"

"HOO DARE YOO TRY TOO STEAL ME MAN, EH!" Ezekiel shouted back. "JOOST CUZ YOO'VE GOT ABS DOOSN'T MEAN YER HOTTER THAN ME, EH!"

"Will you boys stop it?!" Lindsay shouted. "Why are you too fighting over Noel?"

"Look Lindsay, we have to break up," Tyler told Lindsay.

"We were never dating," Lindsay replied. "You're not Tyler!"

"I am!" Tyler shouted.

"You are a liar!" Lindsay shouted back. "What, so it's not enough that you are a bully, a writer's pet and an asshole who ruined Collie and Greta's lives?!" She gave Tyler the finger went off to find someone else who she mistook for Tyler (AKA: Chris).

"The third person I'm dating will be… Dawn!" Noah barked.

"WHAT?!" Ezekiel and Tyler gasped in unison.

"YOU SKANK!" Tyler shouted at Dawn.

"YOU HOO! Eh?" Ezekiel shouted at Dawn.

"Excuse me, you do realise that Noah was only dating you two because this is a reality show?" Dawn rolled her eyes. "Besides, I'm not exactly happy about it either?"

"And why is that?" Noah mused.

"I can tell by reading your aura that you mentally believe that aura-reading is all a bunch of shit," Dawn replied.

"Well good," Courtney ushered. "Pick someone else, Noah. And by "someone else" I mean ME!"

"Nah, I might as well get Dawn's date out of the way," Noah shrugged.

"Fine, but you better not try to force me to believe everything you believe," Dawn warned him.

"Dawn, what makes you think I'd do that?" Noah sarcastically asked, feigning offence.

"I can read it all over your aura," Dawn glared.

"Please, that mumbo jumbo stuff is rubbish," Noah sneered.

"So is your face," Dawn sneered back.

"OHHHHHHHHHHHH!" everyone except Noah and Dawn laughed in unison. Noah groaned. He wished he picked someone else – and by someone else he means anyone besides Courtney – but he reckoned he'd have to get dating the moonchild over with.

* * *

The ride in the limousine was uneventful. Dawn refused to even look at Noah and Noah didn't care. When they arrived at their destination though, that's when the fight started.

"An old ruined mosque?!" Noah rolled his eyes. "What's so significant about visiting a disused mosque?"

"Well the producers assumed it would've been significant, considering that you were raised in a Muslim household," Dawn rolled her eyes.

"Hang on, how did you know my family is Muslim?" Noah demanded.

"Figure it out yourself, since you don't believe in this "mumbo jumbo rubbish"," Dawn scoffed.

"You'd better not have been going through my personal records," Noah warned her.

"Well you'd better keep your gob shut," Dawn retaliated. "People are visiting this mosque to learn more about religion, NOT to have somebody else's beliefs shoved down their throats."

"Earth to Dawn," Noah jeered, "this is an old mosque we're going to. A mosque is a place of worship. And in a place of worship, people get beliefs shoved down their throats."

"Oh yeah? Well in places that are not places of worship, people who are constantly pessimistic are marginalised by society because, let's face it, no one wants to be around a big black hole sucking the life out of everything," Dawn shot back, as the two got out of the limo and walked up to the mosque.

"Then how come I'm so popular among the fans of _Total Drama_?" Noah questioned her, as he and Dawn put on traditional Islamic attire before entering the mosque.

"Because most of your fans pair you up with other characters for their own sick fantasies," Dawn scowled.

"Ahem," an imam interjected, "can I ask you two to keep it down? You're disturbing other visitors."

"Whatever," Noah rolled his eyes. "Are there any toilets around here?" he asked. The imam pointed towards the door next to the stairs and Noah headed towards the door. Dawn stayed behind to apologise to the imam on Noah's behalf.

"Sorry about his attitude," Dawn whispered, "he's not a very happy person because he thinks ninety percent of the world's population are stupid."

"I can understand why Noah wouldn't be happy," the imam assured her, "but just remember, the biggest mental illness is a negative attitude. I hope you can convince Noah that he needs to look on the bright side if there is one."

"I'm sure he will, I hope," Dawn shrugged. "But trust me, I wouldn't say it to him. He'd react negatively. But people do change if you give them to chance to do so." Noah returned from the jacks and he and Dawn headed further into the mosque. Dawn knows that what she said may be hypocritical after the way she was speaking to Noah earlier, but she's not perfect like everybody else.

* * *

"Why are you so interested in the architecture of the mosque?" Noah suddenly asked Dawn.

"It was designed beautifully, in my opinion," Dawn replied.

"You do realise it is all green and grey," Noah deadpanned.

"Your loss, but it is fun to discover more about all the religions," Dawn shrugged.

"Why could you just use your amazing superpowers to read the minds of various religious people?" Noah mused.

"What's the fun in that?"

"Well visiting a place of worship isn't fun either," Noah shrugged. "I've got books and the internet to educate myself about religion."

"At least you'd get to go to places you normally don't go to. I can tell you're not enjoying this, but look around you. What are the people in this mosque doing?"

"Wasting their lives in the mosque when they could've just looked up Islam on the internet?"

"What else are they doing?"

"Nothing else?"

"But are they doing anything stupid?" Dawn asked. "Are they getting themselves wasted and having casual unprotected sex?"

"Actually, no," Noah shrugged.

"Exactly," Dawn stated. "These people are trying to educate themselves. This is the same thing you do. They're just using a different method than what you normally use for a change. It's good to use the internet and read a book, but it's also good to go to museums, places of worships and historical sites. You'll meet people with similar interests that you can share your knowledge with."

"I guess," Noah shrugged. "I suppose it would be harsh to accuse these people of wasting their time. At least they are broadening their horizons and not banging some drunken moron at the bar."

"Exactly," Dawn smiled.

"Thanks," Noah told her. "Thanks for making me see the bright side. And sorry for being an ass."

"No worries," Dawn shrugged. "It's just the way you are. And sorry for being impatient with you earlier."

"No worries," Noah shrugged. "At least it showed you were more open-minded and logical than most of the rest of the people on the show." The two laughed.

In the end, the date surprisingly ended smoothly. Nevertheless, Noah and Dawn felt no romantic connection to one another. They were still not each other's types and Noah still had his doubts about Dawn's aura-reading abilities, though he decided to just keep them to himself.

* * *

**Finally a sane date for Noah. Well, it started off rough, but c'mon, the start ain't everything, eh? Now, I could have the two fall in love right now, but there are still over forty more people for Noah to date. It could be anyone for that matter… well anyone but Tyler and Zeke. This chapter wasn't as funny as the last two, but I thought I should use someone like Dawn balance out the insanity. After all, we don't want to have Noah going insane, right?  
**

**Until next time!**


	5. Beth

**So far, Tyler is still the worst, while Dawn is the best, suitor for Noah. This chapter may change this ranking, however.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

The next day everyone was at Noah's house again. Tyler and Ezekiel were glaring at Dawn, while Dawn ignored them. She knew they were too thick to understand that

She has no feelings for Noah, and that they're just acquaintances now, and

This is a reality show and Noah was only dating people to pay off his family's debt.

As for everyone else, they were staring at Noah as he was making his pick. Trent was definitely dreading being chosen, because he wanted to be ninth. Courtney was expecting to be picked next, because she felt it was bad enough that Noah chose three people before her, even though the order in which Noah dated his contestants obviously didn't matter, but try telling Courtney that.

Noah finally spoke up. "The fourth person I'll be dating will be…"

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…Beth!"

"WHAT?!" snapped Courtney. "AGAIN?!"

"Yep," Noah smirked.

"EEEEEEE!" Beth squealed. "Where are we going?!"

"To a picnic in the park," Noah rolled his eyes.

"EEEEEEEEEE!" Beth squealed.

"YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!" Courtney shouted.

"Ah, you'll get over it, don't worry," Noah quipped as he lead Beth to the limo. Courtney wanted to tear Noah limb from limb for saying this, but he was already out the door.

* * *

"O my god this is so exciting!" Beth squealed. She was sitting next to Noah in the limo. Noah was beginning to feel uncomfortable around her.

"You've said that a million times already," Noah deadpanned.

"I know but aren't you excited?!" Beth asked. "This is my first date ever!"

"Wait a minutes, weren't you in a relationship with Brady?" Noah asked.

"I mean, my first date since I dumped Brady!" Beth lied. Noah rolled his eyes. He knew she was lying just by reading her body language. However, the bookworm wouldn't be surprised if Beth was telling the truth. Let's face it; Brady is an idiot as far as Noah is concerned.

* * *

They eventually arrived at the park. Noah and Beth were given a picnic table that was on a slope that overlooked the whole park. Beth thought it was romantic.

Noah had a different opinion, however.

Apparently, their picnic table was conveniently placed right next to another picnic table, on which a family of two lazy parents and three bold children were eating fast food. The children were screaming, arguing and hitting one another while they parents were too busy having foreplay to notice or at least give a shit if they did notice it. So Noah and Beth were stuck with this. Beth didn't mind, however, as long as she was with Noah. At least the children at the other table weren't even half as bad as one thing in particular.

And that was Beth. She spent three quarters of the whole date talking about how her alleged relationship with Noah should pan out, when they should get married, how many kids they should have and, worst of all, how popular the "relationship" would make her around town.

"You do realise that popularity doesn't matter, right?" Noah rolled his eyes.

"Yes it does," Beth told him. "You shouldn't take your popularity for granted. Embrace it for God's sakes!" she urged him.

"That would turn me into a bigger snob than I really am," Noah snarked. "In fact, what's so good about popularity anyway? You'll have people stalking you and your family, and when you inevitably lose popularity you'll fall harder and you will most likely end up becoming one of the most hated people in the world."

"But all the cute guys and girls ask popular people out on dates," Beth insisted.

"Okay, someone's been watching too much MTV," Noah rolled his eyes. He's had enough. He has no interest in Beth whatsoever. In fact, there was only one reason why Noah picked Beth then, and that was to get his date with her out of the way. He should've known from watching _Total Drama Action_ that Beth was the type of person who would shove herself down other people's throats. So he's decided to ask her one of the most probing questions he's ever asked her in his life.

"So anyway, what's happened with you and Brady?" Noah 'casually' asked.

Beth frowned. "I told you, we broke up, remember?" she told him.

"I thought you said you dumped him?" Noah asked, feigning shock and confusion. He knew very well where this was going, but Beth didn't know this.

"Promise me you won't tell anyone okay?" said Beth.

"Cross my heart and hope to die," Noah smirked, placing his right hand on his chest. Obviously he was lying. He wasn't even making an effort. You'd be surprised at how gullible Beth is.

"Well, Brady is not really a person per se," Beth explained. "I kinda… let's say, built him in my-y-y garage, heh-heh-heh."

"Of course, no wonder he was an idiot," Noah replied. It was also no wonder how Beth managed to date someone who was way out of her league. Only a user would date Beth, and Brady didn't appear to be one. Furthermore, slavery has been illegal in Canada for a very long time.

"It's getting late," said Noah, standing up, "we should head back."

"It's only 6.53pm," Beth protested.

"Exactly," said Noah. "I have errands to run," he lied. He resisted the urge to say that they've been at this table for four straight hours, and only left to go to the toilet. In fact, whenever Noah needed to go, Beth followed him, saying she was scared. She even followed him into the male toilets.

"Alright," said Beth. They got in the limo and they headed to Beth's house. As you can see, after a date, the contestant gets dropped back to their house, or to a hotel, if they didn't life in the same city as Noah. The fact that Beth lives in the same city made Noah gulp.

"Call me," Beth beamed, before kissing Noah on the lips for ten seconds and then exiting the limo. Noah wanted to call the cops on her and have her arrested for sexual assault for that, but he decided against it, knowing he's been through worse with around five cheerleaders and two jocks at the secondary school he used to go to. Even to this day, these people are still trying to get in Noah's pants. In fact, Noah had to file restraining orders against them immediately after signing up for the show. They were much worse than Beth, but still, she was bad enough.

Plus, there was no way he was going to call her.

* * *

**Sorry if I offended any Beth fans. I know this was out of character, and that deep down Beth is a sweet girl, but I just could not resist messing her up. In fact, I'm going to do that with most of the characters (only some of them will be sane). I must confess: I don't really like Beth. In fact, she was being shoved down our throats in **_**Total Drama Action**_**. Plus, she actually permitted Justin to use her, even when she was 'supposed to be Brady's girlfriend'. I still would've preferred if she won TDA rather than Duncan, and I did in fact enjoy her giving out to Heather in **_**Paintball Deer Hunter**_**.**

**So anyway, who was the best date so far, and who was the worst, now that Beth's date has been through? Next chapter will be up tomorrow. Again. (But don't get used to it, because I'll be returning to college on Monday).**

**Until next time!**


	6. Sadie

**This is a short chapter, but I needed to get some of the contestants out of the way. I hope you enjoy it anyway. So far, Tyler's date is still considered the worst, while Dawn's date is still considered the best.**

* * *

The next day everyone was at Noah's house. Beth was having a fight with Tyler and Ezekiel. The fight got physical, and Tyler chickened out as soon as Beth left a light thump on the talentless jock. He ran into the toilet screaming and crying, not realising that Noah's older brother was in there jerking off. Anyway, Beth managed to beat up Ezekiel. Dawn was not involved in the fight and she positioned herself as far away from the fight as possible.

"Looks like I've won!" Beth boasted, proudly.

"And my fifth date is going to be…" Noah droned on.

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…Sadie!"

"WHAT?!" shrieked Beth and Courtney in unison. They glared at one another.

"EEEEEEEEEE!" Sadie squealed. Before Beth or Courtney could get a hold of the white wonder twin, Noah led her away to the limo. So Beth and Courtney decided to take their anger out of Katie… well, they **would** have managed to take their anger out on Katie, had Eva not fired the wannabe and the CIT out the window. Izzy jumped out after them so she could have a three way.

* * *

For the first few minutes of the ride, Sadie was super-excited for the date.

"So where are we going, Noah?" Sadie asked.

"We're going rollerblading," Noah rolled his eyes. "Gee, I look forward to falling on my ass all the time," he snarked.

"I'll be funny to see a bunch of skinny bitches fall over and break in half," Sadie smirked.

"What?" Noah asked.

"You heard me," Sadie shrugged.

"Wait a sec, isn't your best friend skinny?" Noah questioned.

"That's what she thinks," Sadie huffed. "Seriously? Who would be friends with a moronic, shallow Miley Cyrus wannabe?"

"You do hang out with her," Noah pointed out.

"Exactly," Sadie smirked. "So I can use her for personal gain."

"Isn't that bullying?" Noah asked.

"Yes," said Sadie. "So what?"

"You do realise what the consequences of bullying can be, right?"

"Well tough," Sadie huffed. "The universe is unfair. You might as well get used to it. Besides, Katie deserves it for being a slutty whore."

"How many people has she shifted?" Noah wondered.

"Judging by her looks, I suppose maybe a lot?"

"You have no evidence, and even if that was true, who really cares if Katie is promiscuous?" Noah rolled his eyes.

"Whatever," Sadie shrugged.

* * *

The date didn't turn out too well. Noah kept falling over, pissing Sadie off in the process because it was embarrassing her in front of everyone that was there. Every time someone else fell over, Sadie laughed her head off. Hypocritically, however, Sadie got mad whenever she fell over and nobody bothered to help her up, not even Noah. In the end, the date did not turn out too well, and Noah and Sadie vowed to be enemies. Noah was just glad that the night was over.

* * *

**So how was it? I know Sadie was out of character in this one, but bear with me. Now, I normally don't reveal who is next at the end of the chapter, but I'm making an exception. Katie is next, and this will help make sense of Sadie's OOC-ness in this chapter. You'll see.**

**Until next time!**


	7. Katie

**This is very rare for me to update a fic twice a day, but heck, I thought that since Katie and Sadie practically share a brain I should put their chapters in within a short space of time. Enjoy!**

* * *

The next day, at Noah's house, Sadie assured Beth that she has no spark for Noah. She was pretending to be nice about it, so Beth never gave the wonder twin a hard time. Neither did Ezekiel nor Tyler. But that didn't stop Beth, Ezekiel and Tyler from fighting with one another again.

"The sixth person I will date will be…" Noah droned on.

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…Katie!"

"NOT AGAIN!" Courtney shouted.

"Deal with it," Noah jeered, taking Katie by the hand and leading her to the limo before Courtney could get at the two of them.

* * *

"So where are we going?" Katie happily asked.

"To the bowling alley," Noah shrugged. "It better be better than rollerblading," he huffed.

"Don't worry, it will," Katie replied, crossing her arms. "Especially since you're not doing it with Sadie," she crossly added.

Noah was greatly surprised by this. "What a minute… you don't like Sadie?" he asked.

"Nope," Katie shrugged. "I only hang with her because everyone else at my school are complete and utter morons. They are more annoying that Sadie. Of course, Sadie is **still** annoying. Plus, she's a virgin."

"What's wrong with being a virgin?" Noah asked.

"Sadie is fat, so she's supposed to satisfy more men and women than me," Katie griped.

Noah's ears pricked up. "Really? I expected skinnier people to be better for sex."

"We're certainly better than fat people for porn, but for having sex, fat people are much better at shifting than everyone else," said Katie. "In both cases, curvy people are in between, especially since the majority of people are curvy."

"So it's a problem and Sadie isn't taking advantage of her body?" Noah rolled his eyes.

"Of course it is," Katie insisted. "Every time we double date, I have to satisfy Sadie's date after I've done satisfying my own! Thank God Sadie is the only person I know who doesn't by contraceptives, otherwise my situation would be much harder. Then again, why would she buy something she never uses anyway? God how I hate her?!"

"Well luckily for you, the feeling is mutual," Noah quipped.

"Excuse me?" Katie asked, suspiciously.

"Sadie said yesterday that she hates you, thinks you're a shallow slut and is only friends with you so she could use you for personal gain," Noah informed her.

Katie was livid. "That bitch!" she growled. "I will kill her!"

"You can do that after the last episode airs," Noah assured her.

"Well who needs her?!" Katie smirked. "Who needs other people anyway? Let's just have a good time. I bet I'm a better bowler than you," she teased.

"Nobody's disagreeing with you, Katie," Noah deadpanned. "But I guess it's no harm in trying to outdo you, even though sports aren't my forte," he shrugged.

"You're on!" said Katie, fist-bumping Noah.

* * *

At the bowling alley Katie kicked Noah's ass. Literally. For the first two hours since arriving at the bowling alley, Katie was beating Noah at this game. No surprises there. But afterwards, Katie randomly kicked Noah and laughed at his misery. Then all of a sudden, Sadie showed up and kicked Noah as well. The two girls proceeded to beat Noah up. When they were finished, the wonder twins surprised the camera crew by kissing and then walking hand-in-hand out of the bowling alley. Noah sat up and groaned.

"What just happened?" he asked, rubbing his upper arm.

"We'll explain later, but first, we must get you to the emergency room," said one of the cameramen.

* * *

As it turned out, Katie and Sadie were only **pretending** to be enemies. Their dates with Noah was a setup to embarrass Noah on international TV. Apparently, they were angered by Noah's popularity, arrogance and lack of empathy for the other characters of _Total Drama_, so they wanted to teach him a lesson. That was the only reason why they signed up for that show. Katie and Sadie now consider this to be one of the most satisfying moments of their friendship yet.

"I cannot believe those two bitches deceived me like this," Noah moped as he walked out of the emergency room. Fortunately, Noah's injuries weren't serious in anyway and he was told he'd fully recover within a few hours.

"Don't worry, it happens to everyone," one of the cameramen assured the bookworm.

"That only happened to me because you shower of wankers didn't intervene," Noah glared. Then it hit him. "You assholes were in on this, weren't you," he scowled.

"Look, Katie and Sadie agreed to donate a hundred bucks if we allowed them to do is," another one of the cameramen defended. "In fact, this will boost the ratings even further, increasing the chances of making more money so that you can be able to pay off your parents' debts," he added.

"Well then count yourselves lucky that this was for a good cause," Noah threatened. "If Katie and Sadie assault me again, I'm pressing charges against them."

"Sure, sure," the cameramen nodded in unison.

"And if you guys lie to me again," Noah warned, he drew his finger across his neck. Again, the cameramen nodded, this time more spontaneous. Noah can be very intimidating after all, especially for someone of his physique.

* * *

**Dun! Dun! Dun!**

**So what do you think of the prank Sadie and Katie pulled on poor Noah? And who do you think was the worst date so far now? Next chapter will be up tomorrow, and my only guarantee is that the next suitor is going to be male.**

**Until next time!**


	8. Mike

**There seems to be quite a divide as to which date was the worst so far. I like it. Anyway, enjoy this chapter. I had a lot of fun writing it. Probably too much fun. Heh.**

* * *

The next day at Noah's house, there was a war going on in the back garden. Katie and Sadie were against Beth, Ezekiel and Tyler. The latter three where livid over the former two humiliating Noah on international television. Speaking of which, the episode where Noah dates Katie obtained the highest number of hits so far. The episode also caused a lot of controversy among idiot trolls who sent death threats to Noah for "being to unmanly to stand up to Katie and Sadie". Thankfully, one of these trolls had the misfortune of living in a country that has strict internet monitoring laws and a president who is a die-hard Noah fan, so the troll was tracked down by government agents and he died in a gas chamber.

"The seventh suitor will be…" Noah droned on.

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…Mike!"

"THAT'S IT!" Courtney shouted. She marched over to Mike and thumped him in the arm.

"What in God's name did you do that for, you bitch?!" Mike/Chester demanded. "Back in my day, young people knew very well to keep their hands off their elders!"

"Courtney, why can't you just take your anger out on Duncan like a normal human being?" Noah rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry, I will!" Courtney smirked, pouncing on Duncan and beating the shit out of him. Suddenly, Chester went back to Mike.

"I thought you said you can control your personalities," said Gwen.

"Yeah… that usually depends on what fan fic I'm in," Mike laughed.

"Well I hope you can control yourself in **this** fic because we're going to the circus," Noah rolled his eyes.

* * *

"This is very hot in here," said Mike when he and Noah were in the limo.

"We can turn on the air conditioner," Noah apathetically suggested, "or you could just roll down the window and save the environment at the same time."

"What?" Mike asked, taking off his shirt. He gasped.

"Eh! Eh! Choice whip!" Vito smirked.

"What?" Noah asked. "I'm sorry, I didn't take Moronic Language class in high school."

"Ayo, I dun like yo attitude, foo!" Vito pointed. But he softened up. "But cha hot," he drooled.

"Okay, no offence, but I find it very shallow to judge a person solely based on their looks," Noah snarked.

"Ah, we're bi, we can do what we want," Vito smirked. Then he slapped Noah's ass.

"Actually, as a pansexual, I can have very high standards," Noah retorted. "That's pretty much why I've never dated anyone before this show. And please don't touch my ass. Thanks."

"Ayo, why would cha shag a pan?" Vito shuddered. "That's just… nasty."

"It means I shift people **regardless** of their gender or whether they're transgendered or cisgendered," Noah pointed out.

"Cisgenders?" Vito was confused.

Noah rolled his eyes at Vito's stupidity. "You know; people who've never had a sex-change operation in their lives?"

"Ay, we're no sissies!" said Vito, dismissively. "Well, I'm not anyway. Dunno about you, though."

Noah rolled his eyes for the umpteenth time this evening. Normally, Noah actually likes circuses, but thanks to Vito he was now looking forward to when this date is over.

* * *

By the time they arrived at the circus, Vito went back to Mike because the air-conditioning in the limo forced Vito to put his shirt back on. Noah and Mike sat in the seats that were about a few rows up from the front. There were a lot of performers performing various stunts that entertained both Noah and Mike.

Unfortunately, the trapeze acts came too early. As soon as they begun…

"SVETLANA VILL ENTERTAIN ZE AUDIENCE VIT ZER ACROVATZ!" Before Noah or anyone else could stop Svetlana, Svetlana dived into the ring and climbed onto the platform, from where the acrobat was just about to jump. Svetlana shoved the acrobat out of her way, causing the acrobat to fall fifteen metres to the ground. Svetlana grabbed the trapeze and dived off the platform.

…only to collide with several other acrobats on another trapeze. Thanks to her strong grip, Svetlana managed to hold on. However, she was the only one who managed to hold onto her trapeze. Svetlana decided to let go and landed in a pose on the platform across the way from the one that she started on. Sadly, she landed on the platform's weak spot, causing it to topple over and land on a section of the audience, killing twenty people and badly injuring fifty others. Svetlana, how seemed to be unfazed by the incident, chirped:

"NOTHING IS ZIMPOSSIBLE VOR SZETLANA!" She dived into the audience, grabbed Noah and carried him away. They escaped the angry mob whilst running away from the circus.

…Then they got lost.

* * *

"Great, now we're lost thanks to you," Noah groaned.

"New dent cha warry 'bout that, lad!" Manitoba Smith. "Manitoba Smith news hees woi 'round here."

"You do realise they don't talk like that in Manitoba, right?" Noah rolled his eyes. Then the limo showed up.

"Get in!" the chauffeur urged. "They're coming!" Noah did not need to be told twice to get in. Manitoba Smith, however, refused.

"We dun need ya help!" he jeered. "We're fine on or own!"

"Dude, take off that silly hate you found and get in!" Noah groaned.

"Okay," said Manitoba Smith, climbing in. The chauffeur drove off and exited the street before the angry mob could show up.

* * *

**So there you have it, Mike's crazy personalities can run wild in my story. I hope you enjoyed it. By the way, I'm going back to college tomorrow, so I won't be able to update this fic every day. Only once every so often.**

**By the way, the next chapter is the ninth chapter.**

**Until next time!**


	9. Trent

**For a joke I was going to have someone else date Noah in this chapter. However, because today is the 9****th**** of September, I HAD to put Trent in there. I just had to.**

**Anyway, it seems that Mike's date has overtaken Tyler's date as the worst so far. Dawn's date remains the best.**

* * *

The next day in Noah's house there was total chaos in the back garden again. Beth, Ezekiel and Tyler ganged up on Mike. But when Mike became Vito, he assaulted all three who ganged up on him. So poor Mike regained control of his body only to learn that he has a lawsuit coming his way. Beth, Ezekiel and Tyler were too thick to realise that Mike has multiple-personality-disorder.

Back inside the house – the kitchen to be more specific – Noah was deciding his eighth suitor. "The eight suitor is gonna be…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…Trent!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" protested Courtney.

"NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!" protested Trent.

"I WANTED TO BE NEXT!" protested Courtney.

"I WANTED TO BE NINTH!" protested Trent.

"And I wanted to piss the both of ye off at the exact same time," Noah mused.

"I refused to be eighth!" Trent snarled.

"Yeah? Well if I picked you ninth you will end up being the **tenth** character on the show to get a date," Noah pointed out. "So which is worse? Eight or ten?"

Trent spent nine minutes mentally analysing the situation at hand nine times. He pouted. "Fine," he sighed, "as long as you recognise that you were the first person to be picked so that I can still be ninth. Besides, this **is** the ninth chapter, and this chapter **was** written on the 9th of September," he added, brightly. Everyone looked at him in sheer horror.

"Okay, how did you know that?" Jo demanded.

"By the Power of the Nine," Trent shrugged. "Why?"

"Let's just get this date over with," Noah groaned.

* * *

"So where are we going?" Trent asked while he, Noah and the camera crew were in the limo.

"For the ninth time, we are going to a mini golf course," Noah groaned.

"YAAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAAY!" Trent cheered. "I was told nine times!"

"Good for you," Noah rolled his eyes.

"I love golf!" Trent beamed. "It's my favourite sport! Do you know why it's my favourite sport?" he asked Noah.

Noah rolled his eyes again. "Uh… because there are usually nine or eighteen holes in a round of golf? And both nine and eighteen can be divided by nine?" he deadpanned.

"Exactly!" Trent beamed.

"Okay, I used to like golf," Noah commented, "but because of you, I-"

"You love it nine times more, I know!" Trent smiled. Noah resisted the urge to say what he was actually going to say about golf because of Trent. He figured that if he did, the musician would become even more insane than he already was. And nine-obsessed Trent was already insane enough.

* * *

By the time they arrived at the mini golf course, Trent was on a full blown nine inch boner. As soon as they entered, Trent tried to take nine golf clubs and nine golf balls. He fought with the manager of the establishment for nine minutes, who told Trent he could have only one of each. The row ended when Noah told Trent that one is nine divided by nine, so that was enough to convince Trent to make do with just the one club and one ball.

Unsurprisingly, Trent to hit the ball nine times in order to get it into the hole in each round. It was not that Trent was terrible at golf; it was just that Trent insisted on getting a "hole in nine". Needless to say, Noah won the game by a substantial margin, because Noah obviously focused more on getting the ball in the hole with as few strikes as possible, than he was on any particular number. Even in the most difficult round Noah did better than Trent, having gotten the ball in with six strikes. Because six was Trent's second favourite number because it looks like an upside down nine, Trent had nine consecutive orgasms. All of them lasted nine seconds each and all of them occurred in public. Needless to say, a lot of kids too young to understand human sexuality were told by their parents that some people have kidney problems.

Trent was happy with his score of 81. Noah bate Trent with a score of 27. Despite the fact that it was clear that Noah is three times better at this game than Trent, Trent was still convinced that he won because he got a "hole in nine" in all nine holes. Noah finally had had enough and he shouted:

"For fuck sake Trent, it's just a fucking number! Christ!"

For nine seconds after that there was absolute silence.

"You nine-hater!" Trent shouted. "Face the wrath of the Power of the Nine!"

In the end, Trent was the first contestant to be made to walk home because the chauffeur knew it wasn't safe for Noah otherwise. Noah was put on Trent's hit list for nine days.

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter, especially psycho Trent. I definitely had fun writing it. Next chapter may not be tomorrow because I came back to college today, but I'll still update this story at least once a week.**

**Until next time!**


	10. Lightning

**It's been almost a week since I last updated. What is wrong with me?! Oh yeah – college. I know this wasn't a problem before the summer but you see, I'm still adapting to my new routine. Think about it; four months of nothing to do but sit and type fan fiction, watch Project Free TV or YouTube, or do whatever I want, then I go back to college where I will have to get up six hours earlier than I normally do and go to bed four hours earlier than I'd prefer. I will get on top of things eventually, once I am used to my schedule, but please remember that I will also have projects to attend to that may take up some of my time so I'd be lucky to update at least three times a week.**

**Anyway, enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

The next day at Noah's house, Trent was still trying to kill Noah. He was giving himself nine attempts a day at killing the bookworm. However, today Trent failed all nine times, not because of intervention from the camera crew but because Eva accidentally stumbled into all of them. She bate Trent up for ten minutes after each failed attempt. Anyway, Noah was making a decision about who to pick next and everyone else was eagerly listening.

"And the ninth person to date me will be-" Noah began.

"NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Trent.

"-AS I was saying," Noah rolled his eyes, "this person will be…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…Lightning!"

"Wait a minute! Noah's suspense was ten paragraphs long, AND I HATE TEN!" Trent shouted, coming in the doorway. "HOW COULD YOU?!" he wailed, running up to Noah in an effort to beat the shit out of him nine times, only to be held back by Eva and get his arse kicked by the fitness buff ten times.

"Anyway, Lightning, you're up," Noah shrugged.

"Aw yeah!" Lightning boasted. "Who can resist the sha-Lightning?!" he asked rhetorically. "Sha-LIGHTNING!"

"Me?" Noah replied, as if the answer was obvious. "C'mon, we're going to the hockey match!"

"Sha-BAM! Sha-Lightning loves sha-hockey matches! Sha-BOOM!" Lightning bragged.

"Stop saying 'sha' before I sha-reconsider and sha-pick sha-someone sha-else sha-instead," Noah threatened.

"Quick Lightning!" Courtney urged. "Say 'sha' again!"

"You do realise this isn't helping getting you picked sooner," Gwen rolled her eyes.

"Shut up, Gothy!" Courtney shouted. "You have no right to speak for stealing my boyfriend."

"Actually Court, I **kissed** your boyfriend," Gwen corrected her. "Duncan and I only decided to date **after** you two broke up."

"Yeah, and we broke up because you kissed Duncan, so since he dated you after breaking up with me, you stole him from me!" Courtney shouted.

"Whoa, whoa!" Duncan intervened. "Relax. We can all move to a country that allows polygamy so I can marry both of you two hot chicks," he smirked. Gwen and Courtney looked at one another. Next, they proceeded to beat the shite out of Duncan.

"Pathetic," Noah commented, as he grabbed Lightning and brought him out to the limo.

* * *

When they got into the limo, Lightning started up his 'sha'-language again.

"Sha-Lightning knew he would get sha-picked!" Lightning bragged. "Lightning is a sha-gentlemen's man! Sha-LICIOUS!"

"Really? I thought Lightning was more of a sha-**jock's** man," Noah quipped.

"All jocks Lightning knows are gentlemen," Lightning shrugged.

"So having a sports-fetish automatically makes you a gentleman?" Noah mused.

"Sha-yeah," Lightning replied.

"Right," Noah rolled her eyes. "When we get to the stadium, you'd better behave yourself," he warned. "Tyler got me in a lot of trouble the last time I went to a sports facility and I would greatly appreciate it if there was no relapse."

Lightning gave Noah a puzzled look. Noah sighed.

"When we get there, stay in your seat," he commanded. Lightning still didn't understand what Noah meant because he's Lightning. Noah sighed relentless.

"Way to go, Noah," he muttered, "you just had to leave the dog's leash at home."

* * *

They arrived on time at the stadium and got their seats. To Noah's surprise, Lightning was actually well behaved. Lightning only got out of his seat to cheer, when everybody else at the benches were doing it. However, by well behaved, I mean that Lightning did not piss anybody else off except Noah. Lightning kept bragging about how he is a better hockey player than every hockey player in the stadium put together. Obviously, that was not true, let alone impossible, but that was what Lightning believed. He'd speak to Noah nonstop about how he would do much better in the match and he frequently showed off his muscles and abs to the bookworm, much to the bookworm's utter disgust. At one point during the match, Lightning put his arm around Noah, making the latter uncomfortable.

Oh yeah, and Lightning would occasionally climb onto Noah's shoulders for five minutes. Obviously, Noah couldn't support Lightning's weight, but Lightning didn't register this because he was too stupid to notice that Noah was being crushed and leaning forward enough for Lightning to potentially fall off into the next row of seats and crush the person in front of Noah and Lightning to death.

This happened.

Fortunately, because the person that was killed was a scumbag, nobody gave a shit. However, the hockey players were pissed off that Noah and Lightning suddenly got slightly more attention than them. And so, the hockey players gathered their angry mob supplies and chased after them. The fans followed suit, believing that Noah and Lightning ruined the match. Noah wanted to run and hide but Lightning, thinking that everyone wanted to get an autograph from him or something, insisted on staying behind. Because Noah wasn't strong enough to forcefully pull Lightning away and was not allowed to abandon Lightning, he ended up getting beaten up, along with Lightning.

* * *

Lightning and Noah were back in the limo. They were on the way to the hotel to drop Lightning off. Both were sporting bruises and cuts from the mob.

"Thanks a lot, Lightning," Noah snarked.

"You're sha-welcome," Lightning bragged.

Noah rolled his eyes. "Well this evening certainly was interesting," he sneered. "Too bad it could've been a Hell of a lot better."

"Lightning knows how to make it sha-better," Lightning suggested.

"How?" Noah wondered. Then he regretted asking that question. Lightning climbed onto Noah's lap.

"What are you doing?" Noah demanded.

"Giving sha-Noah his very own sha-lap dance!" Lightning smirked. "Sha-LIGHTNING!" Then he proceeded to hump Noah until Noah pushed him off.

"No thanks, I'm good," Noah rolled his eyes.

* * *

**So what do you think? Has Mike/Tyler/Zeke/Trent/Katie's date been overtaken?**

**Anyway, I will try to update my stories at least three times a week. This includes whatever one-shot I may write. But I am making no promises. Sometimes I will be off the site for two weeks because of something going on in my life or I am suffering a writer's block. It happens to every author.**

**Until next time!**


	11. Anne Maria

**I haven't updated this in twenty-five days. My bad. But just a warning, this will be about as good as I will get until the end of December because of college. Anyway, enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

The next day there was a row in the back garden between Lightning, Ezekiel, Tyler and Beth. Vito joined in the row as well. Apparently, the trial against Mike went ahead, but Mike was acquitted on grounds that Beth, Ezekiel and Tyler were annoying. Anyway, Vito won the fight and swaggered into the kitchen where everyone else was to brag, but Noah wasn't interested; he was announcing the next suitor anyway.

"The eleventh date will be with…" Noah droned.

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…

"…Anne Marie!"

"NOT AGAIN!" Courtney shouted.

"Well tough, Miss B-I-T-C-H!" Anne Maria jeered, following Noah out to the limo. Courtney attempted to run up to Anne Maria so she could attack her, but Chris held her back.

* * *

"So where are we going, hot stuff?" Anne Maria asked Noah.

"We're going to a nightclub," Noah rolled his eyes. "I could've brought Geoff, but I figured he would come on too strong if I did, so you were the best I had."

"Ah!" Anne Maria squealed. "I love nightclubs! I hope they'll play _Levels_ by Avicii again!"

"You do realise that that is the most overplayed song, right?" Noah questioned.

"Meh, that song can never be overplayed cos it's got swag," Anne Maria shrugged.

Noah groaned in annoyance. "Okay, how is it physically possible for a sound to have swag? You can't see a sound, and swag is about appearance, am I right?"

"Whoa, somebody doesn't like mainstream," Anne Maria glared.

"Actually, it's getting mainstream to hate mainstream, so I'd be a hypocrite to hate mainstream," Noah rolled his eyes. "As long as they don't play any song that exerts far too much emphasis on sex, money, violence, cars, recreational drugs use, dating or stalking someone that is way out of the singer's league, fashion, appearance, dominance, partying, swag, twerking, YOLO or any of that other shit I'll be grand. And I also don't want to hear any music that has been played far too many times, so no _Get Lucky_ or _Blurred Lines_ either," he added.

"Yo loss," Anne Maria shrugged. The remainder of the drive to the nightclub was silent.

"_Hey, I just met you… and this is crazy… but here's my number…. so call me maybe…_"

Noah glared at Anne Maria.

"What?" Anne Maria demanded.

"That song is overplayed," Noah deadpanned.

"What song isn't?"

"Metal music? Dub step? **Classical**?"

"Fine," Anne Maria groaned.

The air was silent again.

"_I put my fingers into my eeeeeyes… it's the ooooonly thing, slowly stops the aaaaaaaache… but it's maaaade of all, the things I have to taaaaaake… Jesus it neeeeever ends, it pushes its way insiiiiiiide… if the pain goes on, I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT!_"

Noah glared at Anne Maria.

"What?" Anne Maria demanded.

"I like that song, and I know it's not overplayed by mainstream standards," Noah admitted, "but it is **still** overplayed in metal-themed discos. That song is also forbidden for the duration of the date."

"Whatever."

Silence.

"_Get out, get out, get out of my head… and fall into my arms instead… I don't, I don't, don't know what it is… but I need this one thing. You've got that one thing…_"

Anne Maria glared at Noah.

"Don't ask," Noah warned her, "you tell... you die."

Anne Maria rolled her eyes at Noah's hypocrisy. She decided to let this go, knowing he's not even halfway through the show and still has to deal with some of the nastier suitors eventually.

* * *

At the nightclub, terrible music was being played most of the time. All of the music that Noah liked (including the music he would never in a million years admit he liked) have been played millions of times before and Noah was sick of this. Anne Maria was also pissing Noah off with her weird dance moves that would make LeShawna look like a ballet dancer. Out of frustration, Noah bought himself a drink. However, he had a little too many, so he was also dancing as bad as Anne Maria.

In the end, Anne Maria went off with someone else, leaving Noah behind with the camera crew. The camera crew had to bring a drunken Noah home that night, who was singing _Somebody Put Something in my Drink_ by Children of Bodom on loop. Trent, who was camping outside the back garden of Noah's house because he was planning to break into Noah's room and kill him nine times, heard Noah because even while Noah was in his room he was still singing that song at 2am. Eventually, Noah's parents had to get Noah sedated so he would go to sleep while Trent, forgetting what he was meant to be doing, sang the song as well, except he substituted the word drink for the word nine. Noah's parents heard him and Noah's dad chased Trent away with a baseball bat.

* * *

**If you haven't listened to the Children of Bodom song, listen to it. It's very hilarious when you imagine Psycho Trent singing this and putting in nines instead of drinks into the lyrics. And yes, I'm sure Anne Maria knows a few metal songs, even though it's debateable as to whether Slipknot songs are metal (some of them are anyway).**

**Next chapter won't be up for another two weeks. I'll be faced with shitloads of projects so updates will be even sparser.**

**Until next time.**


End file.
